Hi tumblr
I’m really very sad. And I feel like the ultimate failure. And I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Honestly, though, I don’t want anyone’s pity either, so I’m not particularly sure why I’m posting this other than to get it all out of my system.
I’m not particularly smart, really. I just work hard. And I guess, there are times when working hard isn’t enough. There are also times when you force yourself to be someone you are not to live up to an ideal that you may care about, but that perhaps should not sum up your entire existence. Having built up your entire life around this false ideal but being secretly unsure and not fully committed, naturally in your life there will come a time when only true dedication is passable and only the purest and dearest of ambitions will suffice. And it’s those times that if you are trying to be something that you are not, you will inevitably not be able to reach the summit of that which you are sacrificing yourself to be. It’s devastating, too, realizing you have built your entire life around something that isn’t in your true self, because it makes your true self suffer all alone in the back of your brain. Not only that, but if you have built your entire life around something, every last bit, then what will you do when you find out it isn’t enough if your heart was somewhere else? Your entire life crumbles, and you haven’t cultivated your true dream enough for it to grow into a suitable life.
I really don’t want to talk about this anymore. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t have any more confidence in myself- not even the false kind that I puff up my chest with in silence. I’m confused and this is feeling more like an ending than a beginning. I also feel selfish, moody, and overly dramatic. But it is a very big deal to me.
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